The fall of 2012 was a difficult one for me. Some of the emotions are still raw, but they are healing. One of the things I struggled with was my oldest growing up and how to parent an 11 year old, now 12 year old. Day after day, I was calling Kerry, because I was at my wits end. So, we put our oldest in the school at our church. He loved it. I cried. I had let myself burn out. I felt like a complete failure and wondered how I could go on being a mom.
In February of 2012, I was able to attend a Mom Heart conference by Sally Clarkson. It was amazing! God knew I needed to be there. It almost felt he had planned it just for me. I went by myself, but other ladies joined my table, all from the city I lived and one went to the church we were at. As I listened to the conference, God used that time to teach me so much about myself. I was finally away from it all and able to listen to Him and what He wanted from me. I was exhausted by the end of the two days, because I had so much information to process floating in my head. He was able to show me some of the mistakes I had been making, and I was able to accept it.
One thing the Lord revealed to me there was that I was supposed to be homeschooling all of my boys, not just the three little ones. I have always felt that homeschooling was the best option for our family, but I walked away from the conference with a confirmation that this is what He wanted for our family. But the current problem was I had one that was no longer at home. And he loved school. And our relationship hadn't been that good.
So, I started praying. Asking God to forgive me for mistakes I had made, to help me change, and to give me another chance to homeschool all of my boys again. I told Him I would do whatever it took. And He answered in a way I never would have expected - my mother-in-law got sick.
Caleb came for the summer to Texas after school was out and our relationship began to heal. Summer was full of fun. He got to do the things he didn't get to do much in California - fish, catch creatures without getting stopped by the park ranger, and get dirty. As we were out for a walk one night, Caleb saw an empty lot and said we should just buy it and live there. I asked him where he would go to school. He said if we lived there he would just homeschool again. Wow! I was shocked. I thought he might say he would go to school where his dad went or that it had been a bad idea. Healing was happening.
Kerry and I had been praying ever since his mom had the heart attack about moving back. At this time, the boys didn't know we felt it best to move back, but we knew.
I never thought God would answer this way. Caleb has been homeschooled since the beginning of this year along with his brothers. I feel at peace again that I am doing what God wants me to do. It isn't easy homeschooling four boys while living in someone's home that isn't yours, but we are making it work. On pleasant days, we take all of our school stuff to the park or lake and learn outside. I think I enjoy it as much as they do. I miss learning outside on these cold days and am looking forward to the warmer days of spring.
Thank you, God, for hearing me.